This 60-Second Brain Hack Can Instantly Stop Friction With A Tough Co-Worker
While most people assume talking it through is the best way to handle a difficult situation with a colleague, a conflict resolution expert says that impulse skips a critical first step.
This article, written by Lucia Auerbach, News Writer, was originally published on Inc.com.
Ask most people how to resolve tension with a co-worker, and they’ll suggest scheduling a sit-down to talk it out. However, according to Jeremy Pollack, PhD, the founder and CEO of Pollack Peacebuilding Systems, that approach skips a critical first step.
For decades, Pollack said, workplace conflict resolution focused on two approaches: direct dialogue and communication training—or restructuring the systems and incentives surrounding a dispute. What’s missing, he told Inc., is what’s happening inside each person’s nervous system during the moment of friction.
“If we don’t help people learn how to regulate their nervous systems around each other, it’s not going to change if their nervous systems are still reacting in a threat response when they’re around each other,” Pollack told Inc.
Pollack said the biggest misconception employees carry is that conflict is inherently negative. Reframed correctly, friction can be “the energy of change,” something that can be seen as an opportunity rather than a threat.
This conditioning starts at a young age, when interpersonal tension gets tied to fears of abandonment and rejection. This wiring then shows up in the workplace, where conflict can feel like a threat to job security.
The 60-Second Brain Hack
To interrupt these threat responses, Pollack recommends a 60-second, five-step sequence paired with a physical cue, such as touching two fingers together:
- Breathing with long exhales
- Relax your shoulders and face
- Reassure yourself: I can handle this, I can do this.
- Slow down your speech
- Lower your volume and maintain a calm tone
Pollack said that if this routine is rehearsed daily, paired with the cue, it can become automatic, emerging automatically under moments of stress.
Read more: How To Ensure Your Team Remains Intact—Even When Everything Around You Is Uncertain
Once someone is familiar with this method, Pollack teaches them a four-part script called BEAR: behavior, effect, ask, and request. This technique is best used for addressing issues before they become conflicts.
Pollack gave an example: A colleague continues to show up late for meetings. Instead of confronting them, he said to name the behavior without adjectives. You were ten minutes late today and 15 minutes late on Tuesday.
Then, he recommends addressing the effect it’s having—internally and externally. I’m starting to feel like you don’t value my time.
Next, ask what is really going on for them—rather than assuming. Is there a reason why this is happening?
Only after hearing their side does Pollack recommend making a request. Can you give me a heads up next time you are running behind?
Pollack likes to employ this strategy to avoid going “into story land,” a place he refers to as where assumptions about intent are held without actually asking anything.
Leading With Care
Early on in Pollack’s career, he cemented his belief in leading with care and not solutions. On one occasion, he was mediating between the president of a large homeowners’ association and her vice president of marketing. The two had previously been close, but they had recently drifted apart into months of cold interactions.
During their individual sessions with Pollack, each woman said she felt unappreciated and assumed the other saw her as incompetent. The women did not realize that they each shared the same fear.
When Pollack brought them together, he had them each share what they valued about the other—before resolving any issues. He said that the vice president broke down crying, saying she hadn’t heard that kind of care from the president in two years.
“The rest of the conversation became so much easier,” Pollack said, noting that it was critical to start from a place of understanding how each one felt.
“Conflict resolution requires both care and solution. Don’t skip care to get to solution,” Pollack said. In a workplace setting, he added, that can be as simple as showing a colleague “you’re on their team” before tackling the issue itself.
