3 Things You Should Do Before You Respond in a Negotiation

This expert opinion by Ken Sterling, executive vice president of BigSpeak was originally published on Inc.com.

Have you ever been in a negotiation and gotten angry or upset? At work, sometimes you have so many problems that come across your desk that everything starts to look like a problem—even if it isn’t. 

This is especially true when it comes to negotiations and deals. When money is involved, communications can get tense.

Part of the reason is because people have different communication styles. Another challenge is that digital communications like email, text, and chat often have little nuance or context—except for the one you provide in your own imagination. Without someone’s tone of voice, messages get mixed. You might think something innocuous is threatening.

Triggering Personalities

I frequently encounter this challenge when working with influencers. Before I go further, let me make one thing clear: I think influencers are remarkable people. Many of them are my friends and clients. As a group, their charisma, creativity, and relentless hustle make them extraordinary on camera and in their work. 

Like any group of high performers, influencers can have strong personalities and unique communication styles that sometimes can be misinterpreted. Often, I have to stop myself before replying right away when they text or email me in the middle of the night. As a rule, I never answer the phone, so everyone goes to voicemail.

You may have the same issue when making deals with your clients or communicating with your customers. They can be dynamic, attached to their view, and expect to be catered to. Nothing wrong here, just a lot to manage—especially if you are working with several at the same time.

The Curious Mindset

As a talent agent, dealmaker, and media attorney, I’ve learned that the key to navigating contracts and negotiations isn’t just understanding legal language—it’s understanding people. Understanding people also means the person in your brain—yes, this means you.

We all react. It’s an instinct and, in many cases, helps keep us on the right track. When I do get a “heated” or “energetic” message from anyone about a contract, this is what I do before I reply.

Before I respond to what I may think is a ridiculous ask for a contract, I take a step back and adopt a curious mindset. Why? Because challenges in negotiations often stem from personalities, not just paperwork.

For anyone triggered by a personality in a negotiation, I suggest the S-O-S method. The method was developed by Performing Under Pressure (Crown Currency, 2015) bestselling author JP Pawliw-Fry.

Stop

Resist the urge to react impulsively. Take a moment to pause and reset. You might want to take more than one moment if you are really triggered. It can take up to 15 minutes for the stress hormone cortisol to pass out of your system before you have a clear head again. 

Oxygenate

Breathe deeply. Or go for a walk. Getting oxygen helps to clear the cortisol out of your system. Oxygen also helps you think more clearly.

Seek to understand

Be curious. Before you rush to respond, try to figure out what’s really going on. Is it a misunderstanding? A miscommunication? A deeper issue? When you step away, you can often see a deal from another perspective. It also gives you time to reach out and ask questions. Sometimes, a small clarification of the issue is all it takes to resolve it.

Only after going through this S-O-S process do I consider commenting on a contract or replying to an email. And you should, too. By understanding the human dynamics at play, you can be better equipped to negotiate resolutions that work for everyone involved.

Next time you’re faced with a contract challenge or a challenging client, try S-O-S—pause, breathe, and approach the situation with curiosity. Then, let the contract guide your next steps.

Illustration: Getty Images.