Does Your Company Have Too Much Conflict, or Too Little?

This expert opinion by Karen Dillon, the former editor of Harvard Business Review, was originally published on Inc.com.

I’ve always prided myself on getting along with others. But a few years ago, one colleague got under my skin. A forceful advocate for his own ideas, he would sometimes talk over co-workers—including me—who asked questions or had a different perspective. I stewed over how difficult he was to work with. But that’s all I did—I silently stewed.

After one unusually frustrating meeting, I decided not to let it go. When this colleague came by my office later that day, I explained why he might have sensed my tension in the meeting. My candor, in turn, inspired some from him. We quickly realized we had misread each other’s intentions. What I saw as pushiness, he viewed as enthusiasm. What he saw as a negative peppering of questions was my way of trying to better understand his idea. We agreed to be more direct with each other and to address any brewing disagreements one-on-one. Our relationship and collaborative work immediately improved.

My aversion to conflict is not uncommon. Amy Gallo, author of Getting Along: Eight Archetypes of Difficult People and a conflict expert, says she is nearly always brought into a company when there isn’t enough conflict—”when they realize that their teams aren’t speaking up, sharing feedback, or voicing their opinions.” And in my research on microstress with Babson professor Rob Cross, we found that even great leaders can be so conflict-averse they sometimes struggle to deliver direct feedback, even if it’s critical to addressing a performance issue.

Over time, avoiding conflict can be just as destructive as stoking it, says Rob Lachenauer, co-author of the Harvard Business Review Family Business Handbook (and, full disclosure, my colleague at BanyanGlobal).

Lachenauer sees this often at family-owned businesses, where the relationships are so personal and the stakes so high, owners can default to what he calls “fake harmony.” They avoid hard conversations, put off difficult but important decisions, and let conflict simmer beneath the surface.

That can have a devastating impact. Lachenauer once worked with a family that nearly broke up their enterprise because of a fight over who cut down Mom’s prize rosebushes. The fight wasn’t really about the rosebushes, but because unrelated conflict had gone unaddressed for so long, everyone’s feelings exploded over this seemingly minor incident.

This can happen to any of us, and there’s a biological reason for it, Gallo says: “Conflict can feel like a threat—to our career, a sense of harmony, our relationships, our identity as someone who gets along with others. And when we feel threatened … we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Our brain is so focused on protecting us from danger, we don’t always think clearly or rationally or with the long term in mind.”

That’s why getting comfortable with a healthy amount of conflict, and having a strategy to navigate it, is essential.

Fortunately, Gallo and Robert Sutton, a Stanford professor and co-author of The Friction Project, have put together several suggestions on how to do just that. Here are some of my favorites:

Let Go Of Needing To Be Liked

Conflict is harder to navigate when your biggest priority is being liked. Focus on giving and receiving respect.

Look At The Big Picture

In the short term, skipping a disagreement is probably easiest. But that may not be productive. Instead, ask yourself how engaging in this disagreement will help your business over the long term.

Develop A Thick Skin

Reflect on how you receive criticism and what that communicates to those around you. As a leader, you set the example.

Stop Making Everything Personal

Give others the benefit of the doubt. Very few people are actively evil or destructive—you may just have different opinions.

Make Candor A Habit

Great teams know how and when to disagree. It helps test the logic of and refine their ideas—and lets them ditch bad ones before resources are invested in them.

Recognize When You’ve Reached A Resolution

Resolve conflict, and then move on. Let go of any lingering frustrations.

Here’s one more piece of advice I’ve learned to live by: Make time to reflect on the personal cost of conflict avoidance. I have spent too much time ruminating on others’ behavior, and have missed out on meaningful opportunities for collaboration. Don’t wait to learn that lesson. Dare to venture into the healthy conflict zone.