How To Respond Authentically And Not React In The Workplace

This expert opinion by Jerry Colonna, co-founder and CEO of Reboot, was originally published on Inc.com.

Every message you send in the workplace carries weight. Without your awareness, emotional undercurrents, such as defensiveness, comparison, imagined judgments, or fear, can seep into the tone of your messages and trigger a mirrored reaction, even if that wasn’t your goal.

A Natural Inclination To Overreact 

I often see leaders undermine themselves in writing. Emotions can come through in tone, even if it’s subtle. A client recently reached out to me frustrated by an email that was immediately dismissed by the recipient. The content was professional, but the tone suggested defensiveness and reactivity. Even if you think what you’re writing is clear, if you are approaching the topic with negative emotion, the result may be the opposite of what you were hoping for. 

If you’ve ever reacted similarly to a message or a person, there’s a reason for it. Humans are hard-wired to respond in the same way that they’re spoken to. It’s the nervous system reacting instinctively to the activation of someone else in your presence. If their hidden fear is rejection, you may feel the strange pull to reject. If their unspoken belief is that you hold the power to affirm or diminish them, you may start to play that role without meaning to. 

Why People Put Up Walls 

There are all kinds of reasons why you may build walls when communicating. Sometimes, it’s a projection of fear. Other times, it stems from imagined judgments or feelings of comparison. When you approach someone in this state of mind, the energy is palpable. Because people are wired to mirror what they receive, your words can unintentionally create the very response you fear. 

I advise my clients never to write an email when angry, anxious, or experiencing any other intense feelings. Sometimes, that’s hard to do. However, most of the time, they can take a step back and recognize the signs that an emotionally charged email may not get the response they want. 

Breaking Through Defensiveness 

There’s a way to recognize if you’re coming from a place of defensiveness and stop the cycle before it begins. 

• Is your chest tight, jaw clenched, or breath shallow?
• Have your shoulders inched up to your ears?
• Are you rehearsing counterarguments or assuming the worst of the other person before they’ve had time to reply or respond?

That’s often projection. A simple practice is to pause and ask, “Am I reacting to what’s in front of me, or to something old inside of me?” From there, you can slow down, breathe, and choose to respond rather than react.  

If the subject is something that you feel very strongly about, write a draft and don’t send it. Return to the draft a few hours later and see if you still feel as strongly as you did when you wrote it. Chances are, your mindset has changed and you can write it from a calmer perspective. 

If you’re replying to an earlier message, stay warm, brief, and neutral by keeping the tone conversational but clear. Ground yourself in the purpose of the exchange by bringing the conversation to the next step. Keep it brief and to the point. 

When Your Emotions Are Influencing How You Communicate

A grounded, clear, and purposeful tone signals authority and inspires trust. You may be used to sending emails rapidly, but if you are constantly facing rejection, push back, or avoidance, it’s likely the same state of mind you’re in when you’re writing. Putting these checks into practice before writing anything won’t come easily. However, learning to recognize when your emotions are influencing your writing is crucial. Slow down, check in, and respond instead of reacting to receive authentic replies and not reactive ones.